Masters-Center / BodySmart Wellness Newsletter – 1/2/15

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BodySmart Wellness

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Table Of Contents:

1. A Better Sex Life (Article)
2. Specials
3. Upcoming Workshops

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A BETTER SEX LIFE
By
Philip Holder Ph.D.
Excerpts from A Better Sex Life
Copyright by Philip Holder Ph.D. 2006 – 2015

OUR SEXUAL ATTITUDES

Sexual desire is a normal and a natural instinct. Often, however, things such as societal pressures, religious and cultural biases or either intentional or unintentional programming from authority figures etc. (Waking Hypnotic Suggestion) can interfere with these natural and healthy desires. Sex is necessary. It assures the continuation of the species. It also provides partners with a unique and personal means of communication and an intimate feeling of being cared for and loved. As well it provides great physical pleasure and stimulation. Barring emotional and/or physical or health related problems; we are all predisposed to enjoy an active sex life.

Sex is both a primary enforcer and, under normal circumstances, a healthy and natural drive. Many men and women, however, never fully experience the joy of a fulfilling sex life. The numbers are surprising. Since sexual perceptions and drives are housed in the subconscious, it stands to reason that hypnosis can be a powerful way to reprogram inhibiting perceptions regarding sexual enjoyment and free a person to enjoy a great sex life. Hypnotherapy can facilitate powerful positive change by reframing perceptions about sex and by helping people overcome fear, insecurity, guilt and other emotions that may interfere with a healthy outlook about sex. This allows the person to open up to a wonderful and exciting sexual experience.

DE-HYPNOTIZATION

Indoctrination (in the form of negative waking hypnotic suggestion) that many people internalize as children often prevent people from enjoying sex to the fullest when they reach adulthood. This may affect people to varying extents but in general, the indoctrination we receive as children directly impacts our ability to enjoy sex as we reach maturity. The hypnotherapist, therefore, must often “De-hypnotize” (remove old suggestion) to free the person from those old non-productive attitudes and then replace them with more positive suggestion(s) for a healthy outlook about sex.

PERFORMANCE ANXIETY

We live in a highly sexualized society. The primetime TV ads of today would have been far to risqué for late night TV or even for most movies only a few years ago. It is virtually impossible to go to a movie, look through a magazine, or watch a TV program without seeing either blatant sexual references or at least strong sexual innuendo. You would think that this openness about sex would give people a type of permission to enjoy sex and that it would make them more sexually secure. In fact, just the opposite often occurs. Shows and movies that create a “Hollywood” image of sex and what’s sexy may leave many people feeling ill equipped to live up to that performance level. In fact, the modeling (In movies etc.) of utopist sexual encounters, is often a factor in Performance Anxiety.

Conventional wisdom suggests that performance anxiety affects mostly men. Although there are probably a greater number of men visibly affected by performance anxiety my finding has been that the numbers are not so far apart between men and women. It is simply more noticeable with men. Performance anxiety can make it difficult or impossible for a man to have and/or maintain an erection thereby preventing lovemaking. Women obviously do not have this specific problem. The problem still exists with women to the extent that a woman may not achieve the level of enjoyment and fulfillment from sex that she would otherwise have, and/or she may be unable to achieve orgasm. These conditions can be disheartening and disruptive to self-esteem, sexual identity and destructive to the person’s relationships with spouse or partner.

SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION

For those who suffer from sexual dysfunction, thoughts of sexual intimacy can be, painful, embarrassing, scary and discouraging. A fulfilling and joyful sex life is important in maintaining a healthy romantic adult relationship. Depending on the people involved, sex may have varying levels of importance in a relationship. The fact remains that a great sex life brings most couples closer therefore enhancing the relationship. A poor sex life can often do just the opposite. Poor sexual performance and/or an inability to fully enjoy the experience can lead to resentment, embarrassment, feelings of isolation, feelings of inadequacy (on the part of one or both partners) and can be a terrible blow to the person’s self esteem.  Those who would say, “Sex isn’t important in a relationship” quite possibly have not yet experienced the intense gratification and intimate communication of a wonderful sex life.

Sexual dysfunction can be caused by a physical/medical pathology and/or by emotional or psychological causes. I prefer to work with people after they have seen their physician or urologist to either rule in, or out, medical causes. If the problem is physical in nature, hypnotherapy can still be a very effective tool in helping a person experience greater levels of sexual enjoyment. If the person’s problem is emotional in nature then hypnotherapy is frequently the fastest and most powerful way to a resolution.

Some cases of sexual dysfunction may involve problems such as erectile dysfunction. Although manifesting as a physical problem it may or may not have a physical pathology. Often this can be the result emotional anxiety presenting as a physical inability.  With other people, they may have the ability to have intercourse but don’t experience any significant level of enjoyment and/or perhaps not achieving orgasm. Another issue that Hypnosis can help with is premature ejaculation. Premature ejaculation is a relative term. I have worked with couples where the man will say that premature ejaculation is not a problem in the relationship and the woman will tell me that it is.

Knowing under what circumstances the person does or does not experience a problem(s) is vital information in constructing the any therapy. For example, if a man has difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection during intercourse but is able to do so when masturbating, it is reasonable to conclude the possibility of performance anxiety or possibly fear of rejection. Likewise, in a case where a woman can achieve orgasm while masturbating but not with her partner you might consider that the problem could be the result of performance anxiety, manifestations of guilt (from prior social waking hypnotic suggestion), passive aggressive behavior (due to some underlying resentment), poor body image, self esteem or other issues. Keep in mind… We are all deeply and in a primal way connected to our sexuality. Failure to perform sexually often results in embarrassment and stress. This embarrassment and the ensuing stress reinforce and compound the anxiety thereby exacerbating the problem. A downward spiral commences.

NATURAL EXPERIENCE

We as a species often deny rather than accept our nature. As previously stated, as children we are indoctrinated with waking hypnotic suggestion(s) about sex. These “waking hypnotic suggestions” often conflict with our natural desires thereby causing underlying internal conflict. For example, often parents (either wittingly or unwittingly) plant within their children the seed that… sex is dirty (“Nice girls don’t do that”. “Boys who want sex are pigs” and so on.). As adults, most of us know rationally and logically that nice girls do like sex and that boys who desire sex are not by virtue of that desire, pigs. Those old messages however continue to reside deep within the subconscious attitudes of many people. The reason for this is simple. It is the conscious mind alone that contains the rational and logical thought processes that know that “sex is okay”. Logical and rational thought, however, does little to alter subconscious perception. The only way to facilitate changes at the subconscious level is to speak directly to the subconscious mind without interference from the conscious mind (hypnosis). No matter what our conscious mind tells us, it will not change the perceptions created for the child within. Hypnosis is the vehicle that can do just that.

BEING IN THE MOMENT 

Staying in the moment is vital to fully enjoying sex. If a person wastes time worrying about what he or she did or didn’t do a moment ago, or about what will be happening within the next few moments, the experience and joy of the moment will be missed. Thoughts like those are distractions. They can result in lovemaking becoming more of a job than a pleasure. Making love should in fact be carefree adult playtime, not an assignment. It is a time to share and enjoy, not a time to perform as if part of a circus act. Often performance anxiety causes people to take lovemaking far too seriously. Staying in the moment can often be a big step toward a better sex life.

As an example, I have observed (by research and questioning… not voyeurism!) in both men and women anticipation of an orgasm may result in the following. It may prevent the orgasm, or it may reduce the intensity of the orgasm. In men it may sometime have the opposite effect resulting in premature ejaculation thereby leaving both partners unfulfilled. Also, worrying about whether you will live up to your partner’s expectations or live up to some image of the perfect lover that either someone has (from TV, movies, etc.) will take a person out of the moment. This can sabotage the opportunity for a wonderful sexual experience. As well, if someone is thinking ahead to the orgasm or anticipating whether he or she will find reassurance and acceptance, or rejection at the end of the lovemaking, those thoughts will pull that person out of the moment thereby decreasing enjoyment. The moment is everything in lovemaking.

With hypnosis, the less the Subject tries to go into hypnosis, the better he or she will do. To a great extent, this is true of sex as well. Often, the only thing needed to enable a person to have a better sex life is for them to stay in and enjoy the moment. Orgasm is only one part of sexual enjoyment. It is equally important that the person enjoy the moments of touch, of warmth, and of playfulness. Each and every moment is a precious gift to share. When the orgasm occurs, it too will be more fully experienced if the person is in the moment. After the person and his or her partner reach orgasm he or she can continue to enjoy the moments of sharing and touching that come after. Each moment only arrives once. If the person missed it because he or she was focusing on past moments, or anticipating moments not yet arrived, he or she will miss the beauty of the here and now. Appreciate each moment as a separate and wonderful experience. You can open the doors to a wonderful sex life.

Specials

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